A settled couple who Aaron and I know very well are in the midst of a complete surface renovation of their home.  New paint, new table varnish, new floors.  The floors are probably everything they always wanted.  Made with local wood (go Local!) it IS pretty. In fact, too pretty.  To the family who had them installed, those floors are horizontal art.  When friends were invited over, they did the obligatory oohs and aahs before sitting around a table that was, unfortunately, sitting atop an old sheet, lest the chairs scratch the new floors. 
    I can understand the anxiety, and I don't begrudge them that.  I have a new couch that means the girls and I won't be snuggling up to watch movies and eat popcorn on it for some time. 
    What bothers me is this hesitation to really live in our houses.  Instead we act like visitors, on edge waiting for the inevitable first scratch of the surface.  What is the point of filling our homes with items we find too precious to use them comfortably?  Let me reiterate that I am asking this of myself as much as I do of others.
    I've been craving comfort for a while now.  I've always striven for it, but the more time I spend longing for it, the more aware I am that it's something that has been lacking in my life.  I hope that it rests somewhere inside of us and that we can bring it out wherever we may be, regardless of our surroundings.  I worry that the ability to do that is so Buddha-esque that by the time I reach that place it will be when I'm sitting in a diaper that the night nurse has just put on me.
    Anyway.  I am in Canada at the moment.  In my mother's home.  In a couple of days I will be calling the Delta Hotel in Toronto home.  A couple days after that I will call my mother in law's place home.  And then, do I return to Germany and call it home?  I am so hesitant to call it that.  I want a place where I am comfortable, a place that will be hospitable to daily conundrums, but I'm not confident that I can do that in any form of temporary lodging.  Aaron is in Glasgow at the moment, being interviewed for a permanent position. Will Glasgow be the place where we finally throw our boots?  Even permanent loses its meaning sometimes.

    Isn't self actualization fucking cloying?  I'm off to remedy this with a healthy dose of rest and relaxation.  By which I mean a benzoid and a glass of wine.  By which I probably actually mean a cigarette and cold coffee.  I'll still take the benzoid though.  Those things are great. 




Kate
6/12/2011 08:46:37 pm

What's a benzoid? Home is nothing really. It loses meaning and if you just go with it it all works out. I've had plenty of places I thought of as home and now they're just distant memories. I still refer to Calgary as "back home" without even thinking about it, but I haven't lived there in 6 years. And Burlington doesn't feel like home. So basically, you have no home. I think it's fun, you most likely find it depressing. Is that what a benzoid is for? Seriously, what is it? My iPad autocorrects it to benzoic. What's benzoic? Maybe having no home just makes you dumb.

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Su
10/12/2011 10:53:47 am

I am fortunate that I married a guy who has the ability to "find" things. Since we bought our place...we have never paid a dime for any of our furniture. It is either donated or "found".

Well except for the Deacon's Bench - but it was a steal so in my mind it does not count.

We have had 3 different sofa's in the living room - and because they cost us nothing - I do not stress over spilled drinks.

My stress free life will be tested in the very near future, as we plan to put new carpeting down. OK, not really "new" - we have a friend who lays carpet and he gets great deals on used carpet from the rich and famous. But new to me.

And even though it will be gently used....I know I will be as protective as a mother bear over that carpet.

Unless it is black and the stains won't show.

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anna
11/12/2011 05:16:26 am

oh dear! hope you had you fags and some decent hugs.
please come back and leave some stains on my sofa, yes, even on the new one that will be delivered come tomorrow. oh, and the lunatic fabric is chosen. so leave some stains on that too, i am also very happy for every new mark your lovely daughters leave on my kitchen table, which is made to share life and 'use'.
i cherish it the more. but then, i have two messy kids and a dirty dog. maybe i have just given up ?
haha, even now you know i am not a give it up person, you do.
a) “A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.”
b)“Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway”
c)“Home is where you can scratch where it itches”

i could go on for hours
pick one.
cheers, anna


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Tasha
29/12/2011 04:00:29 am

I'll be home one day for now it's just a house and till then i'll keep dreaming and keep moving on. cheers to where ever we may land in life xo.

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17/8/2012 12:02:11 am

I love to build interior of my home, and it gives me pleasure, I always look for blogs like this so that I can get any idea.

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17/7/2014 05:05:49 pm

nice posts

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